Written around 1am on July 21st, 2000
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I'm getting kinda scared. No, I take that back. I'm really scared. My guy and I are moving in with each other. We've got a place and it's nice. Now we're having discussions and arguments about this and that and he keeps telling me on how things are going to need to change when he and I move in together. I realize some things about myself need to be changed. One of them is definitely my internet addiction. He doesn't seem to appreciate what I do online and I don't entirely disagree with him. But still -- how much of myself should I be willing to compromise? Let's face it. I'm a huge control freak. I like things done my way. This is why I do the dishes and not him, actually. He doesn't do them well enough. I'm very sound sensitive and if the television and the radio are on in the same room, I start wigging out. It doesn't bother him and he thinks I'm nuts, I know this. I need things a certain way. He does too. Now it's just driving me insane. I don't feel like I'm pulling my weight anymore and when he pays for a meal or a bill, I bite my lip and don't say anything, when really I feel like telling him that I could or should contribute something. Don't get me wrong. I work, but I don't pull down that many hours. I don't have a lot of income coming in. Now he does with his fancy job which is causing him to be hella high strung all the time. Nerve wracking. All of it. His nerves and mine. Sometimes I think he thinks that since I don't have the same job or responsibilities as him, I'm not feeling the same level of stress as him. It's simply not true. I've got my own frustrations, believe it or not... and then there are his. Every time I see him get upset about something, I worry and try to find a way to fix it. His financial burden is recognized. I just wonder if he recognizes the emotional one I'm dragging around. Damn, I wish I were wealthy... and good looking... and more interesting. My self-esteem is plummetting and it's nobody's fault but my own. I know this and it sucks.
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